When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
