I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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