It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
