John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
