I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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