mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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