dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
