We named our party play list daddy issues
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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