fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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