I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
