i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
