I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
