My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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