I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
