i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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