Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
