I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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