He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
