dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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