between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Randomize
