Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
