i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
