I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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