it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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