Whatcha textin bout Willis?
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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