Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
