My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
