I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
