Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
