Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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