My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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