He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
