I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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