I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
