Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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