I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
