DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
