Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
