I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
