6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
