last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
