Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
