So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
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