i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
How external is "for external use only"?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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