grandma shit on top of the toilet
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
your like the ambassador to my penis.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
