I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Randomize
