My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
