it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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