I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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