you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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