so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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